You make me angry

When you’ve been in a heated exchange, have you found yourself making a statement that starts with “you make me…”?

You make me angry.

You make me mad.

You make me upset.

You may say this because you genuinely want the other person to understand your side.

But saying “you make me…” places the onus to change on the other person.

It is also likely to raise their defences, which doesn’t usually help foster understanding.

And generally speaking, I’ve found that whenever I start with “you make me…”, it’s actually me that needs to change.

I’ve found it more helpful to start with saying “I feel…”.

This allows both sides to understand your position, and it also invites the other person to share how they’re feeling. Each side can then reflect on their contribution to the conflict with a view to engage more effectively.

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